It’s a date that I’ll remember the rest of my life. My due date. In the past weeks, as J and I would think about how much we’ve been through, it seemed almost impossible that my due date still hadn’t come and gone. And now that I’m feeling almost back to normal physically, after my c-section, it’s so strange that other women with due dates around the same time as me are now having their babies or are still pregnant.
I think what’s throwing everything off is that (sometimes unconsciously) I’m constantly thinking about how my life is supposed to look really different right now. My maternity leave at work was in place — at this time I should already be on maternity leave or counting down the days. We were looking forward to going home for the holidays with a new addition to our family. We had a plan for daycare. But instead, I celebrated my birthday this year with an alcoholic drink in hand. I’ve been spending way too much time unsubscribing to emails from Babies R Us and The Bump and recycling all of the coupons and registry reminders we get in the mail. I’m back to work. And what was supposed to be the nursery has been turned back into a guest bedroom.
The hardest part of the grieving process for me right now is that I can never predict how I’m going to feel at any given day or moment. Some days seem impossible to get through and some days I feel almost “back to normal” — whatever that means. Some days, things that remind me of being pregnant or make me think of Charlie can be comforting and other days those same things can catch me off guard and make me sad. Danielle from Against All Grain said it really well:
There’s both painful and joyful reminders of her surrounding me daily – pregnant women, babies being born, my closet of maternity clothes, her empty room in our new house, and even Asher’s little nose that looks identical to hers. Some days I’m grateful for those reminders. So the dream aspect is brought to reality; I can be reminded that she really was here and I’m not just imagining. But other days, the days where I’d rather just push forward with life and not be in tears all day, I’m resentful of those reminders.
But we continue to be patient with ourselves and find comfort in knowing that on September 13 this year, we’ll be with family celebrating my cousin getting married. And I know that other dates will be tough as well but we’re going to just have to take them one by one as they come.
Thanks again for all of your support and love, everyone.